Have you ever felt so sad that your heart is gonna burst from your chest and just cry out blood. Have you ever felt so disappointed that your own existence makes you wanna vomit. And have you ever felt so stupid that even if you killed yourself, that it wouldn’t help. Yep that’s how I feel now, pretty fucking pathetic.

focus.

I need to focus. focus on myself. better myself in all aspects. I’m not striving for perfection, I just wanna better my attitude, my emotional well being and my physical attributes. for months now, I have been just lounging around not being able to be motivated. It’s time for a change. Need to focus. Stay positive. Be happy.

sometimes it would be nice for someone else to do something for you. To go that extra mile. jumps hoops and shoot a basket just to make you smile. sometimes it’d be nice to be the one being chased. someone else’s object of affection.

effort is needed.

I don’t know really know what do to anymore. I always think that I’ll be fine, I tell myself that I’ll be fine, but the fact of the matter is that I’m not. I am never really okay. I will always doubt myself and question my motives. And being alone doesn’t help either. I don’t have a close foundation of friends anymore. I’m by myself a lot. I have drifted from people. I can’t trust anyone. No one gives in the effort. Yes I do make friends once in while, but those friendships don’t last. People just don’t give as much effort needed to sustain the relationship. I want something that feels right and not forced. Sucks not being able to talk to someone without the fear of judgement and deceit. lol I am so fucking alone.

I’m just happy I’m not rushing anything as much I used to before. For example relationships. If it is really meant to be, then it will be. If I ever get into a relationship again, I want it to endure, to be something worthwhile. I don’t want it to be bubblegum love. Bubblegum love is fun, the rush you get from it is exhilarating. But somewhere along the way, the bubblegum bursts and disintegrates. I want something that is worth fighting for, I want someone who will fight with me, because in the end we know will make up and work from it. I want someone to grow with, whether it be with happy situations or difficult predicaments. I want someone who gives as much effort as I do when I’m with them. I don’t one it to be a one way street. I just want something simple. Nothing complicated. Just him and me. That’s it. And this is why I am single. LOL.

you know what sucks,

when you really like someone and then they show a small hint of affectionate, so you cling to that and hope that there might be a small possibility of them liking you back. So you put in all this effort to talk to them, try and make time for them and pour out your to them. Then somewhere along the way, you find out that they talk to other people too. That you were no one special, no exception, just another person. But what sucks is that your heart was set up on them and no one else, you hoped and and hoped. You didn’t talk to anyone because you hoped they might feel the same way. But the real tragedy is waiting. Waiting for them. Always waiting for a text or a call, but it never comes. That’s what really sucks, the hope you had.